10) Makes Glenn Beck's chalk stick to his hand
9) Limits the opportunity for unwed teenage mothers to earn $30,000 per abstinence speech
8) The Koch brothers haven't found a way to make money off it yet
7) Doesn't allow Sean Hannity to focus while interviewing Sarah Palin
6) Grows hair on your shower head
5) Keeps teenage boys away from their video games
4) Drives up the price of zucchini
3) Sends well-paying sex worker jobs overseas
2) Smears the speech notes written on your hand
And the number one negative impact of masturbation...
1) It's hard to earn more than $5,800 a year when you've always got your hands in your pants.
